I learned two things today:
- Nerdfighters are not afraid to tell me when I screw up
- I am a bit of a psychopath.
So let’s start with number one. This is really exciting for me actually, though I feel like a jerk. There is an overwhelming feeling concerning my treatment of the tenth anniversary of 9/11 that I was too flippant, too silly, and did a disservice to the memory of the people who died that day.
On any given vlogbrothers video, comments are overwhelmingly positive. So positive, in fact, that it can make a guy feel like maybe that the people watching the videos don’t actually like the video, they’re just being really nice because they like HIM.
But here we have proof to the contrary. There aren’t very many people defending my position, so we can assume that, on other vlogbrothers videos, people actually really do like what I’m doing and saying. This is great news.
Thank you so much to nerdfighteria for keeping the dialog alive and interesting and civil, and for pointing out when I’m a dickhead.
Now onto point 2: I’m a a bit of a psychopath.
I wanted to say a couple of things in my video about our world ten years after September 11th 2001. I wanted to make a point about people talking about “winning” the war on terror and how full of shit they are.
And I wanted to make a point about how we imagine ourselves to be much more vulnerable to terrorists than we actually are.
And then I wanted to move on. I did not want to talk about how horrible that day was. I did not want to reflect upon our shared psychological scar. I did not want to spend more time pretending that I was “honoring” the dead when really all I was doing was being afraid for myself, putting myself in their place and feeling some shadow of their fear…because none of us need more fear in our lives.
I just wanted to say a couple of things from a few steps back from the situation. I thought maybe we were ready for that. And maybe we are…but probably the actual anniversary of the event was NOT THE TIME.
I’m an intensely rational person. I often do not feel emotions the same way that people around me do. I try to be careful and to recognize when people are going to be more sensitive to a topic than I am but this was a situation where I did not foresee the disparity.
I should have kept my distance, there were some phrases that were improperly worded and, most of all, I probably should have saved it for a day that wasn’t the ten year anniversary.
Another point: I’ve been psychiatrically (how is that not a word?! “Psychologically” is…) evaluated with psychopathic tendencies. I don’t feel much sympathy for people, but it’s also fueled by my misanthropy. I find myself as a rational person sometimes because I’m not so swayed by emotion towards others. Emphasis on sometimes. Unfortunately, that would just give a justification for others of why I don’t feel much about 9/11. :|
I remember when 9/11 happened. I was 11. By that age, you can understand certain things about the world, but you’re not emotionally mature enough to process such things. I sat in choir, watching the news playing the same shake clips over and over again. In my mind, I was just thinking, “whoa.” But I wasn’t emotionally connected. I think I was actually impressed of seeing such a rare event. Who ever sees a plane crash? The rest of the day was normal for me. I saw kids being called out of classrooms because their parents were afraid for them. What was the thought in my mind? “WHY DO THEY GET TO GO HOME?!” Jealousy. That’s it. Selfish like a normal 11 year old. The way I thought about 9/11 then is the same way I think about it now. If I never developed an emotionally connection to it, why would I need to now? Because other people tell me to? No.
